I see you!

I have spent time in two of my favourite places for the last few months, Guatemala and New Zealand, and it was truly wonderful to be there with beautiful old and new friends.

However, after having lived in London for about 12 years this city still feels more like a home than anywhere else and that is mainly due to my beautiful soul family here. Thank you All. 

Once again I found myself in a position in the last two months mainly, where I felt completely detached from everything. Floating in empty space with the feeling that it would be quite easy to just disappear. This might sound slightly morbid and to be honest I came to that place at some point.  

A place of utter despair that I didn’t expect to find inside of me. This happened during a ceremony that I did in solitude and it truly did open my eyes to the collective suffering that we experience in the world right now.

I connected to the wound of separation that we all carry so deeply, the need for acknowledgement, the feeling of not being loved, the belief system that we have to achieve, that we have to “do” to be worthy and the list goes on.

I know myself pretty well by now and I am very aware of my wounding, have made peace with it and don’t judge myself for it. Or at least so I thought……

What became very clear during the ceremony in which there were no distractions, no need for me to hold space for anyone, no one to turn to…, was that I have not let go of the fears that I am so aware of such as: I find it quite difficult to be on my own, to just BE, to not “care ’for others, to not feel “useful”, to summarise, I guess you would say I want “to be seen” or “to be findable” and don’t know who I am when I don’t have this outside feedback.  Wow! It all came crashing down…..to a point where I would have quite happily dropped my body…..

Anyway, I haven’t and although I still feel shaken up slightly at the same time a new energy has come in. It is a little hard to describe it just yet. Mhmmmm……

It really is all about letting go, surrendering, not being attached to any outcome. Just living each moment with fullest awareness of it all! 

As many of you know I play a Chiron gong and resonate deeply with the message that Chiron has for us: 

“We all have wounds in this life. We all have things we cannot change and painful pasts that are hard to erase. Chiron encourages us to heal and work through these, but he also encourages us to consider our wounds as portals of power.

When we experience pain, heartache, and loss, that is when we open. It is when we are in these states that we experience pure vulnerability and pure openness. When our heart breaks our heart opens, and it is often through these experiences that we awaken and step into a new truth.” (From Forever Conscious) 

Yes, maybe I can say I stepped into a new truth, that which cannot be put into words.

I am looking forward to further share this truth with more empathy and humility during my offerings.

I have been called a “tough German cookie” by one of my teachers and I might come across like that sometimes, but believe me I really can relate to what many of us are going through.

One of my friends said to me years ago: “You are the biggest little girl I know” And I think that’s fitting for all of us (or little boy of course), right? Always, remember this when you see someone struggling. Be kind to yourself and each other in these challenging times! 

“The elders say we must let go of the shore.

Push off into the middle of the river,

Keep our eyes open and our heads above water.

And I say; see who is in there with you,

Hold fast to them and celebrate!” From the Hopi Prophecy

I am there with you!