After I had a wonderful time in the Peruvian Andes with magical Jemmita Inkarri and have come to some realisations about “spiritual seeking” (I have talked about this in my previous newsletter) I went off to do the “Maren thing” and just pushed it too much....
This time I went on a quest under the “disguise” of learning to hold space with a particular medicine and not so much for self-healing...although of course these two things always go hand in hand.
Without much discernment or research, just by following a recommendation, I went off to a place that was ultimately “perfect” for what I had to learn, but at the same time brought me onto my knees ... (which is putting it mildly believe me).
And what I received was a massive warning (kick up the backside) from spirit which I am only now starting to process with the help of loved ones that have been amazingly supportive from afar. Thank you so much.
And of course it is easy to go into a victim mentality, but as we all know that’s not very helpful. Although I must say my inner child is still mortified.
It has been interesting to listen to feedback from different sources after this experience.
Some of it was obvious and although I hadn’t followed my own inner wisdom on this one, I totally get it and bow my head to it.
But there was some feedback that was a little bit harder to listen to (and this is of course the most powerful one)
And here it goes:
With you it’s all about your image and spiritual fashion
You try to play Shaman
You don’t look deep inside
I witnessed your spiritual Ego getting bigger this year after the separation from your husband
You are lost
You are always forcing things
You often leave if things don’t go your way
You don’t want to hear the truth
10 years of intense spiritual work is not that long and you actually don’t know yourself very well
Phew, a lot to take in, especially after I felt so awesome about myself after the pilgrimage in the Andes.
But as we all know there is a reason for “everything” and again I bow my head in gratitude to those who are not afraid to spell out uncomfortable truths.
I have taken and will take time to deeply look at all these beautiful gifts that were given to me.
I won’t stop wearing my “spiritual fashion”, feathers in my hair and colourful jewellery and to be honest, I don’t care if people think that’s all about image, because I know deep within it’s not and I LOVE it. It makes many people (especially children) happy how I look with my Merlin coat and feathered hat....
Surely there is a part of me that wants to be noticed, but more so I want to show people that there is another way and not to care so much about what others think. Be the joy, be the love, be you! right?
I just wanted to make that clear 😇
Thinking about it all, the comment about me being lost “hit home” the most.
Thank you my dear friend and mentor Michael Reece for putting it this way. And although it made me a little sad, it is time to go into this feeling deeply.
Actually, if I am totally honest it all comes down to (yet again...) wanting to be seen and loved and acknowledged. It comes down to not feeling enough, there is a lack of this and that...
To sum it up: Giving my power away!
I have created a life for myself with constantly moving around, being single and only seeing my friends and family fleetingly here and there, that makes it extra challenging in a way.
I met a beautiful man this summer and it was so obvious what the universe was doing that it was almost funny! It all seemed ridiculously perfect and what we could achieve together in spreading the message of pure divine love, would just be out of this world.
After reflection, I found myself going into a similar pattern to when I met my ex-husband Kris 10 years ago.
Which is seeing a romantic partner as the one who will make it all worth while and help me not to feel lost anymore.
Luckily (and this is not my human self talking...) this man is not available for me.
And this is because I needed to spend this year on my own. There is no “other” who will solve all my problems, who will love my inner child, gives me a purpose, the answer of where to live etc. No, no, no.... Not this time cup cake (-;
And if you are reading this you beautiful man, then I won’t blame you if you run a mile now....Thank you ❤️
Anyway, I just had to remind myself to take a deep breath!!!!! And another one, and another one....
All is well!!!!
I have just arrived in Antigua, Guatemala and I am about to spend three months at magical Lake Atitlan. I have some beautiful souls coming to visit to do work with me and some of my friends are coming to spend Christmas with me, which will be so awesome.
So there you are, thank you for letting me bare my soul. I can feel your love and support through the ethers. And I am here for you always ❤️